Don’t know, but thinking about all this I switched off the engine of my car, 2 am is a unholy time , but there is something so serene about it.
The last of the night birds are hidden away, the BPO employees finishing up some of their shifts, the tea vendor making an extra buck for life, drunk guys heading home.
And lonely souls like me wandering the roads, searching for something they know not what ?
Can we truly love someone if we can’t trust them? How can we? Is trust and love intertwined? Maybe we can.
For we love someone without thinking of trust, we lie to ourselves.
So is then love based on a lie, I don’t think so Marco.
I know she would not like me smoking so much, for she sees me decaying day by day, I have to live for I know that, just let me know my reason clear other than her.
Did I love you, yes I did.
Do I love you, yes I do.
Will I love you, I think I will.
Mind becomes numb after going through a few relationships; so much to learn that the brain stops living it and starts thinking about it, then that too stops.
I had this strange feeling , while trying to float in the Arabian Sea, new years eve, the full moon, the sea it felt nice, lost my watch then , figured if I could I could loose myself.
Remember reading, it’s better to love someone than try to understand them, when you love someone, slowly you will understand them.
Would dad understand this, that deep down inside I like him and love him, for he taught me principles, righteousness and his maniacal ego? Would mom understand that she taught me patience, faith and hope? Will my brother understand that he taught me, compassion, kindness and love?
Can she understand, that she teaches me the beauty of life?
Leaving behind this thought, I drove away from those empty street, afraid of my own thoughts... just drove.
The road was empty and the dusk was quiet,
And then came 3 strangers walking on the road, i stopped to ask them if they were ok.
What a strange bunch they were, one was truly happy, and was blissfully arrogant and the other just calm and peaceful.
I asked if they needed a ride and strangely the said, we are and were riding with you, but they would like to get a lift.
So I let them in, and went back into my thoughts,
we all lie to ourselves, tell ourselves that we know, our ego's, our beliefs; when you all have decided what I am and what I do, should I even bother about all these questions.
I know but one truth that I shall hold on to, that I love my family, including the ones who are in the land beyond, I won’t lie about what they are to myself for I don’t know, I shall have to trust that they will understand without me explaining, I shall love even when it hurts me.
For when I loved each one of you, I gave you that authority and power to hurt me back, maybe to even destroy me in a way, for if any of you are destroying me I don’t mind, I shall smile while we do it.
Truth is love is beyond the truth or the lie, both of which are relative but constants; don’t make your love relative to any of these.
I remembered the passengers in my car, had to drop them at their destination, and so I came back from swimming in my thoughts.
And so, I spoke to love, lie and truth sitting in my car, one by one I dropped them off, first came lie, it got down near a temple, then came love it got down near a maternity ward and finally I drove with truth.
Sitting in silence, yet speaking, until we came to halt at a Cemetery.
I have to leave you know my friend said truth, but do not worry one day we shall meet, you will come visit me and that is the truth.!
So I drove back home, wanting to get back to life, I knew she would be waiting for me now.
So I threw out the dying butt and sped away that night.
