Porque sin tí, he de estar incompleto.

Fall shall you not, rise up and look above,
Every suffering, every pain have you borne.

See the world is calling out to you,
Love it and it shall love you as much back.

For the high and mighty have been destroyed,
In lust, in laugh and even in love.

Smile at it, for you had laughed so wide,
Accept the pain, as you did joy.

For it actually had brought you both,
Now what you get is not what you want.

Only silence shall help you bear,
Each and every moment of this now.

I bid thee farewell to you my friend,
From here on you are on your own.

Hasta que nos encontremos otra vez, mi amor, mi alma.
Porque sin tí, he de estar incompleto.
Y esperando por ti, i puede permanecer incompleta.

Saar, only one person right?

Another sleazy motel, grayed out walls and musky smell amplifying the decay around.
As i walked the dark hallways one room after the other imagining the countless people walking before me i felt a sense of lifelessness around.

Saar, only one person right?
Yes, only me.
No, problem sir, good room, clean room, decent for family saar,
I hope this hotel won’t be raided for prostitution, was indifferent at this point.
No Saar, only family here.

A guy and girl, pretty young couple walks by.
i know instantaneously that these are college kids, paying a price for privacy to get intimate.

Unable to sort out the feeling of right and wrong, between tradition, culture and between freedom and wants, and thus clandestine meeting of a few hours these lovers share, so sad, what has become of this country of love, is it ancient history , a moment of liberation which created Vaatsayana ..?

Pick her up, drive to some unknown town, get a motel room, fuck each others brains out and ride back after this liaison.
The lock was a bit jittery, like me sinking into a motel alone, strangely i settled in the unkempt motel with inept staff.




As i light a cigarette, i think ...
How many women, prostitutes, men have toiled on this bed, trying to satisfy their hunger, hunger of being wanted, of being loved, liked, licked, sucked and fucked.
Any of these or many of these, who will they imagine? Which face shall play on their minds? But we don’t notice, the hunger is far too primal, lets say too damn carnal.
The walls could almost moan back all that it had heard in that moment.
I stand in the shower, to get over the sweltering heat, pouring water on my head calmed down a few thoughts.

Lovage plays in the background, and I sit still.
Not moving an inch, just sitting in a motel, in middle of a highway, in the middle of nowhere.

Was i to apologies to life? am i to apologies to myself..?

No i shall not apologies to anyone, but maybe i shall to her and all her forms that have touched me.
I apologies, for loving you not knowing if you could ever understand me, the conflicts that i grew up with my past , my present, my future, and you are a part of all three.

I apologies for dreaming that love would make you madly run into my arms forgetting the world, for I forgot we all are running away from it, I am trying not to.
I apologies for hurting your feelings and letting you be alone, just for a few moments in this long journey called a lifetime, I do.
But now, it’s over, no more apologies to none.

I look up and clenching my fists in my mind, and biting my lips, i shan’t apologies to even god.

And the music plays on my laptop, on a dark desert highway ....
Guess, i am, in Hotel California.

Of love and family

Hmm..... To come soon.

about what love is 

Ayesha's eyes

The world said i was ugly, and i believed it.
The world said its miserable, i listened to it.

The world said its lecherous, i thought i saw it.
The world said humanity is loosing, i agreed.

Now the world is saying that love is a sham,
I wont, i cant, i dont believe it now, sorry.

As there is the ugly, so is the beauty in there.
for all that misery, there is joy and merry.

For all that lechery there in the folds is love,
humanity is still holding on, i see it everyday.

when i look into your eyes, Ayesha i see life,
i see hope, love, joy and tears, so i know.

That i am alive and so are you, of me and through me.
Whatever it is in you is a part of me , maybe half.

Let me kiss the sky and look at your innocence,
for in yours i may find mine, for a few days.

years or maybe a lifetime.

For in those eyes i see mine, your mothers and the whole humanities.

The summer afternoon.

As i laid down next to her,
Our sweats mixed, smelling musky.

The sun outside was oblivious
of this passion of youth.

Feeling her from the inside out.
blood, flesh, bone and those curls.

tasting her flesh, smelling her smell
gliding through her curves,

And when i looked into those eyes.
Surrender , almost a glimpse of it.

Hungry like two beasts, yet gentle,
we were like lost in finding one another

just wanting to be touched,
Just wanting to be loved.

But more than anything, oh life.
I just wish you understood.

It was about living.

When this dream will end, a part of me will die.
I shall leave it behind with you, keep it or bury it.

This mid summer afternoon.

Story of a boy,

And i was a kid one day,
Playing that high noon.

Looking at the sun, i felt dizzy,
Closed my eyes to drift someplace.

There came my mother and asked me,
Would you not want love my son.

I said neigh.

Then came the presit, to quiz me,
Would you like god to save you.

I said neigh.

Do you want education asked me tutor,
Master of none, i shall take none me said.

Then came the woman i love,
she just looked at me, through me.

Knowing too well the strength it would take.
for she knew it was the one thing no one can give up on.

The idea, the dream of freedom.
The priceless of them all, free thought.

The story stopped.
A smile arose.

And i was back on that playground again, looking at the sun.
Wondering where i was ?

I'd only told them the truth. Was that so selfish? Our integrity sells for so little, but it is all we really have. It is the very last inch of us.

Dont know what i am writing here.

Guess everybody wants to hear the truth but cannot digest it , including me .
When i came to know Ayesha i wanted to hear it , but could not digest it immediately.

I had to take my time, she came and hit me like the wild wave that she was reminding me that is the new manifestation.

What a cruel game isnt it, first you tell the truth , and it does set you free, only to pull you back down.

It looks at your face and smiles, saying " Now Pay The Price, Mister" the price, i shall be rubbed, trashed, questioned, analyzed, till i am no more in a state to understand what was the truth anymore.

But i knew that you were a truth, i loved her was the truth, truth is painful was the reality, and i could but smile, holding onto that one strand of life, one tiny bit.

Sitting under the half-moon in a farm far away in the middle of nowhere, i remembered how i felt looking at her, an image forever etched in my mind.

I will come, for i did love , but do i know where i am going ? or you dear friend ? i am leaving everything behind, i am moving towards that.

Truth , my sweet truth , i sought you always, in the dusty plains of south India, in the hills and mountains.



In the barren lands of Leh, the valleys of Kashmir and where not.
why do you play this hide and seek, as i come closer to you you move away.

Funny i always said that love demands of us nothing but the utmost of the sacrifices, did enjoy all the sacrifices love did for me till now, its time i pay the due , my due to it.

Drunk in the ecstasy of life, i did not notice, Mea Culpa, Mea Culpa for youth was blinding and i did not want to open my eyes completely, half closed in a haze.

I am but alone now, no one around, see a few friends far away few steps behind, the world is at stake and it is against me.

For you are not there, but only your memories with me, maybe that's all i need, maybe that's what i will fight for .

One day when you are old enough " Ayesha " i will tell you my story, you may judge me, but you shouldn't, for not even god can judge me, for he did not live this life that i did, he did not smile and laugh, frown and wince, cry and yell, it was me.

But you will know my story one day, the story of the one man who loved you even before you were breathing life. And the one who loved her, who woke up to give bearth to a dream called you.

Do you want to listen to it? will you listen to it?

Of how i held on to just one little piece of me, called hope, faith, truth, love and you.